RIP steve. Products you helped create changed my life. They’ve helped evolve my dreams of being a digital artist and photographer and theyve never let me down. You chased your dream and now im chasing mine <3
i think my favorite thing to do in the whole world is let the music in and see the art that comes out
Tyler "TELLE" Smith: A Series Of Moments... →
This morning I was up because I hadn’t really been sleeping well and I decided to sit on the curb outside of our bus. We’re in Berlin Germany today, and unfortunately despite all the beauty around me and culture I’d like to explore, I can’t seem to find it within myself to do anything. I was…
I Have
My whole life has revolved around one thing. Alcohol.
Have you ever waited for your mom to tuck you in at night when you were five? Im sure you have. Did you ever find out that they didn’t come tuck you in because they were passed out cold, drunk on the kitchen floor? I did. Have you ever slept on a floor as a child next to someone you thought was dead? I have.
I remember when all I did care about was drinking. The only thing that mattered to me was what was going to get me drunk, who was gonna supply it and support me, and where this would take place. Now that I am finally at the legal age to drink, these things are just memories of how dedicated to alcohol I truly was. I know everyone says “it’s totally normal to party and experiment” and although this is somewhat true, I also think its an excuse to not deal with underlying problems and what can become an out of control addiction. This is because that’s exactly what it was to me.
The first time I officially got drunk I was beginning the junior year of high school. My mom who also has had a past with alcohol would occasionally buy me shooters of vanilla flavored vodka or random rums. I used to think that was so cool that my mom would buy me the alcohol; she trusted me enough to try it in the safety of home instead of random parties. When I think back on this now, it makes me sick. I know my mom had much much better intentions, but it was my first taste at ultimate vitality of both the happiest i will ever feel, as well as the most depressed. It will be the beginning of fake friends, fake smiles, fake laughs, a fake unreserved personality I could never have sober, and my way of numbing painful memories and broken relationships.
I had some of these shooters lying around and decided I would try them. Wasn’t super depressed as I can tend to get, more so bored and curious. I remember drinking the first one and feeling nothing. Second, eh a little. Third, it hit me. I felt like a new person. I sat in my room taking pictures of myself laughing and one with this glowing smile (I later made this my myspace picture). Now, this may sound like just another teenager getting drunk, however, my situation was a little special. I was alone.
I became a much more social drinker, trying on different personalities at different parties. I have always been a timid, insecure girl. Always unsure what to say or do in social situations. My anxiety was particularly crippling in high school, I had little friends and never had boyfriends. And then, I would chug down some courage and be this compelling girl I had always always wanted to be. I was that person who was so awkward on a regular basis, but so smooth on a party basis. I always had friends say “you’re so funny when you’re drunk”. This way to become something more than just “Austyne’s friend” or the girl whose name was called in attendance with someone in the background saying “whose that?” was where this all started.
After graduating high school I was relieved to have a new start and be away from the people who had judged me off of one impression or one rumor. Now my drinking was a way to meet new people and make more friends. It was not binge drinking till i couldn’t hold onto my phone or waking up pinned up against a bone-chilling tub, it seemed fun. Alcohol is a dangerous thing. It can bring you all this happiness, rid you of your pain, and make you all you’ve ever wanted to be. It seems so magical sometimes.
Alcohol and drugs can also be the devil. I’ve seen first hand what they can do to people, the pain they cause, the lives they consume; the tragedy when it takes a life away from you. forever. Looking back on everything, this was one of my underlying reasons for drinking.
My whole entire life has been revolved around one thing. Alcohol. Some of the earliest memories I have are due to alcohol.
Have you ever waited for your mom to tuck you in at night when you were five? Im sure you have. Did you ever find out that they didn’t come tuck you in because they were passed out cold, drunk on the kitchen floor? I did. Have you ever slept on a floor as a child next to someone you thought was dead? I have. Have you ever found your dad so drunk you couldn’t wake him up? I have. Have you had no sleep because you thought they were going to die if you didn’t take care of them? I have. Have you seen family members fight and choke each other on christmas? I have. Have you ever had to take care of your 40 year old dad when you were 12 because he’s always too drunk to function? I have. How about wondering if he’s still alive in the middle of the night? Have you ever felt like your mom only cared enough to call you when she’s drunk? I have. Did you ever go upstairs to find no one home? I did. Did the police ever have to come pick you up as a young child because your dad was drunk and threatening your mom????
